Why Self-Love Feels Impossible (And It's Not Your Fault)
Understanding why your relationship with love feels broken—and how to begin healing it
"I know I'm supposed to love myself, but honestly? I don't even know what that means. And admitting that makes me feel like such a failure."
I encounter this sentiment regularly in my therapy practice—these words, heavy with shame, represent a recurring theme I've witnessed across my ten years of working with adult daughters from complex families where love was misused or withheld. But here's what I want you to know:
You're not failing at self-love because you're broken or not trying hard enough. Self-love feels impossibly hard because it wasn't advocated for you during your development.
Photo by Tony Luginsland on Unsplash
The Love That Was Never Love
Through my work as a therapist, I've seen the biggest obstacle in starting a relationship with self-love: a lack of clear understanding of what love actually is and what it entails.
When I begin working with clients to develop a new understanding around love, we often uncover a painful history. The concept and word "love" have been misused and abused to overpower, manipulate, silence, and control them. After clients share about their difficult upbringing, they confess—always with shame—that they don't know how to love themselves, as if they weren't smart or strong enough to learn.
What breaks my heart is how they carry this as personal failure. They tell me about seeking love in relationships outside their household, hoping to finally experience the love they saw on TV or heard in songs, only to be met with more tricks, bulldozing, and betrayal by people who promised to love them.
This is exactly why generational growth therapy focuses on understanding family patterns without blame—because shame keeps you stuck, but understanding sets you free.
Others developed what I call a "serving mindset" toward love—believing if they achieve the most, go above and beyond, and be the best of the best, then they'll receive love. Essentially, they learned they had to work for the love they desired.
Why Self-Love Feels Scary
It makes sense that self-love feels abstract or threatening when you consider this foundation. Not having a clear understanding of what love entails, combined with a history of people misusing the concept to control and manipulate you, makes self-love feel not only difficult but downright scary.
Here's what I wish more people understood: When you were growing up—through childhood, adolescence, and into adulthood—self-love and self-care were likely labeled as selfishness. The people who raised you may have been confused about the definition of love and self-love themselves, struggling to teach what they never learned.
This isn't about blame. It's about understanding that the myths you absorbed about love weren't your choice—they were handed down through generations of people doing their best with limited understanding.
As a Black woman and daughter of Trinidadian immigrants, I understand how cultural and generational patterns complicate our relationship with self-love—and how healing requires both honoring where we come from and choosing something different for ourselves.
Breaking Free from Love Myths
A crucial part of building authentic self-love is demolishing the myths given to you about love, even if they were taught unknowingly. These myths might sound like:
"Self-love is selfish and narcissistic"
"Love is something you have to earn through achievement"
"If you're too kind to yourself, you'll become lazy"
This is what self-love looks like in practice: questioning the stories you've been told about what makes you worthy of love.
You deserve to understand what healthy love actually is. You deserve to know that loving yourself isn't selfish—it's necessary. You deserve to learn that love isn't something you earn; it's something you inherently deserve simply by existing.
If you're ready to challenge these myths with professional support, I'm currently accepting new clients for online therapy in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Washington, D.C.
Starting Where You Are
If you're reading this and thinking, "I still don't know what self-love actually means," that's okay. You're not behind—you're exactly where you need to be. Learning to love yourself when you were never taught how is one of the bravest things you can do.
It's okay to start with curiosity instead of certainty. It's okay to question everything you were told about love. It's okay to feel confused or even resistant to the idea of loving yourself. These feelings make perfect sense given your history.
You're not broken, you're healing. And healing begins with understanding that the struggle isn't your fault—it's evidence of how much you've survived and how ready you are to learn something new.
Your Practice This Week
Take a moment to reflect on these questions in your journal:
What messages did I receive about self-love or self-care growing up? Write them down without judgment, then ask yourself: "Is this actually true, or is this something I was told?"
What would it feel like to believe that love—including self-love—is something I inherently deserve rather than something I have to earn?
What's one myth about self-love that I'm ready to question this week?
In the coming weeks, I'll be diving deeper into specific myths about self-love—why it's not narcissistic, why you don't have to earn it, and why self-compassion won't make you lazy. Each newsletter will give you more tools to build the loving relationship with yourself that you've always deserved.
Let's Practice Together
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Ready to heal family patterns with professional support? I specialize in helping adult daughters from complex families break free from love myths and reclaim their self-worth. Let's talk.
